Bulletproof

I’m bulletproof, nothing to lose.
Fire away, fire away.

I am titanium.

He’s selfish.
He’s weird.
He’s all about himself.
He doesn’t take blame for his actions.
He thinks he does no wrong.
He used me.
He led me on.
He knew his feelings had changed & still slept with me.
He’s difficult.
He made no effort.
He was insecure & had issues. Now it seems to him the roles reversed.
He doesn’t accept the truth.
He made me cry.
He could never be straight or blunt.

He made me laugh.

He wanted to be nice even though things didn’t work out; so there was no atmosphere.

He now wants to drop it cause he thinks I’m rude for being honest? All I said was, if he was worried another wine night would occur he shouldn’t. He wanted to see someone else to go for it. That he should have told me if he wasn’t interested & I was still entitled to think of him as a jerk. That it had been intense since it had started but I didn’t regret it. That I’d dealt with his issues and knew I was shit on the wine night.

Wonder if he flipped cause I said he had issues.

Mandem needs to get a grip.

Rude?

I’m rude? I don’t understand how I’m rude when I’m being honest?
I seriously know how to pick them. I deleted his number, he deleted his Facebook. Everything was ship shape. He comes out of the blue trying to be nice & we end up back at square one.

He’s the type of person who doesn’t accept fault or responsibility. He can’t see how he was a jerk (which is me being polite) and will happily allow people to get worked up over his words.

Why did this have to happen?

Pweaseee be my fwend.

you still not my friend? X

How fucking old are you? I mean really?
Course I’m still not your friend.
Jerk.

Happy St Patrick’s Day

Did you kno that Guinness is not suitable for vegetarians? I am disgusted. I’m also annoyed because I’ve been kissing Guinness lips for a couple of months.. Soo therefore I should just have a mini one

Change

Well I finally found out where I stood; took a long time coming.
Everyone was completely right. I was being used.
Things had changed for him after the wine night but he still continued to sleep with me. Tell me he missed me. That he wanted to see me. Etc, etc.
I just wish I’d bothered to make the effort to find out earlier. It would have made it hurt less.
I’m so sick to my stomach that I actually liked a guy who could do that.
And when I asked him if he had the intentions to see me again; he said he didn’t know.
What kind of person does all that? He knew things had changed yet let me think they hadn’t. And he can’t understand how he’s been an absolute jerk?
He really is a clueless moron. And I’m just an idiot.
And I can’t make it stop hurting.

Well

Last week he was telling me he would like to see me; this week I can barely get a conversation out of him.

I can’t be bothered with time wasters anymore.

Yet

I still can’t stop daydreaming about the what ifs.

Didn’t I, My Dear?

Weep for yourself, my man,
You’ll never be what is in your heart
Weep little lion man,
You’re not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rape yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Waste it on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn’t I, my dear?

Didn’t I, my dear
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/m/mumford_and_sons/little_lion_man.html ]
Tremble for yourself, my man,
You know that you have seen this all before
Tremble little lion man,
You’ll never settle any of your scores
Your grace is wasted in your face,
Your boldness stands alone among the rank
Now learn from your mother or else spend your days biting your own neck

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn’t I, my dear?

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn’t I my dear

Didn’t I my dear

Ahhhhh…

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn’t I my dear

It was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn’t I my dear

Didn’t I my dear

100% fool

I’m an idiot.
Everyone just walks all over me & I take it.
I do my best for everyone, I do anything for anyone. And I never get anything in return.
All I want is peace, no stress, a little bit of fun and some cuddles at the end of it.

He’s using me.
He’s brushing me off.
He’s charming me.
He’s cold.

He would like to see me, yes. But won’t make the effort. I’m so scared, I feel so awkward being blunt or pushy. That I sit here and wait. His own sister thinks he is messing me around, so why can’t that be it? He thinks I’m awesome & great and she was just recovering from an op.

Why can’t anything be enough? I just wanted one good day. And no one can be bothered. I’m running the risk of bumping into my dad and his family but I didn’t care cause I thought everyone would be there. Last year, I was stood there waiting for my ex who couldn’t be bothered to make the effort.

I’m always waiting for someone. I’ve spent the last two weekends feeling sorry for myself. I’m gonna spend another day feeling sorry for myself.

Not laughing and joking with the best of them. Not having a cheeky little pint of the black stuff. Not having a jig or getting my face painted. But in the house, dwelling, smoking, drinking tea.

I have a car that I can’t get in to because I have no where to go. Where do I go? Do your driving, you will have so much freedom.. Freedom. I’m trapped.

Waiting.